Charlie Sheen is an Amazing Douche

 Okay, I thought I was done with this guy, but seeing all these quotes together makes me want to ridicule him.  He is so undeservedly, and unabashedly self-possessed, he has become the least watchable cartoon on television.

Charlie Sheenisms

“I am on a drug – it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

“I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man.”

“If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’ It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm.”

“The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed, armless children.”

“I probably took more than anybody could survive. I was banging seven-gram rocks. Because that’s how I roll. I have one speed. I have one gear: Go.”

“I’m not bi-polar, I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there.”

“It’s been a tsunami of media and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard.”

“The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.”

“I’m tired of pretending I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”

“People can’t figure me out, they can’t process me, I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with the normal brain.”

“I’m an F-18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground.”

“Dying is for fools, amateurs.”

“I’m not fair game. I’m not a soft target. It’s over. There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.”

“I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.”

“If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.”

“I’m not Thomas Jefferson, he was a pussy!”

“(CBS) picked a fight with a warlock.”

“[A.A.] was written for normal people, people that aren’t special. People that don’t have tiger blood, you know, Adonis DNA.”

“I’ve got a 10,000 year old brain and the boogers of a 7 year old.”

“I’m shakin’ a tree.  I’m shakin’ all the trees. ”

[On why he's so quotable] “I’m grandiose.  Because I live a grandiose life.  I’m not aw shucks… because I’m gnarly.”

[On past prostitutes who've gone public with their Charlie Sheen stories] “Yeah, where is she now?  She’s under a bridge.”

“What is so bad about being under bridges, anyway?  Bridges should sue Anthony Keidis for defamation.”

[On being asked, 'Are you worth a hundred million dollars?'] “I think I’m worth over a 100 BILLION dollars, but that’s just on a cellular level.”

“I am battle tested bayonets”

“Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber.”

Daddy Haircut

A Daddy haircut is like eating a Sloppy Joe... It's messy, you don't want anyone seeing you right afterward and you only get one once every 20 weeks.

- Posted to my readerless blog using my networkless iPhone.

An oldie but a goodie.

- Posted to my readerless blog using my networkless iPhone.